In honor of the new Disney film (which I haven't seen yet) Here are 24 lessons I've learned about cars over the years:
1. If when you are driving in a torrential downpour, the road ahead of you floods out and the normally well-behaved
3 year old in the backseat starts screaming uncontrolably and will not be hushed; cut the kid some slack.
She is not being a BRAT
. She is genuinely TERRIFIED
, believing that you are all going to drown!
2. Drive-in movies, with the whole family crammed in the car to watch Disney on the big screen on a summer evening were MAGIC
3. When you are 8 years old and go car shopping with your best friend's family, if the car salesman gives beautiful stuffed "scottie dogs" to your friend and her sister - but not to you
, you will feel as unwanted as "a red-headed stepchild".
4. Your new box of Crayolas will melt all over the back window shelf of your Dad's brand new Buick Wildcat in less time than it takes to tour Carlsbad Caverns. (That car will never really
be new again.)
5. You and your 13 year old brother can ride all the way home from the New York World's Fair sitting on the back floor, while your sister-in-law lays on the back seat in labour. (This makes for a really exciting trip!)
6. 12 teens and 1 adult driver fit into a '68 classic mustang.
7. If you drive for the 1st time (at your brother's insistence
) on rough roads through the piney woods, on the way home from your grandmother's funeral... If one brother is sitting in the front seat tensely asking, "Steer, can't you? Are you trying
to hit every pothole in south Jersey?" while another brother in the back seat is firing off questions from the driver's ed manual and the 3rd is laughing hysterically at what a rotten driver you are.....It will not be your very best performance
8. If your boyfriend insists
can do a better job of teaching you to drive than your brothers...and takes you out on the hilly country roads (the ones with all the stop signs) in his beloved standard
to try.......that relationship is doomed!
9. It is possible
to sleep and drive at the same time - although I don't recommend it! I know this because, one morning at around 5:30am on the way to seminary I was rudely awakened by a bunch of kids in the backseat yelling about how I'd just run a redlight, or some such nonsense. Thank Heaven for Guardian Angels!
10. It is important to know your equipment
! If your brother lends you his classic Corvette (with the added bonus of having police license plates, so no officer would ever pick you up for speeding - Not that I would ever do that!
) for a day at the shore with your girlfriend....you ought
to know how to make the hidden headlights flip up. (The service station attendant will be no help whatsoever!)
11. When driving on back roads in the pouring rain at 5:30 in the morning and confronted with flashing lights take the fork to the left
. In this instance, "choosing the right
" will get your car mired up to it's axles in mud! Tow trucks will not respond until full sunlight.
12. Any time a date suggests driving down by the river or up the canyon "to see the view", he's not really all that interested in the scenery!
13. The one time
you take your Dad's car without permission
, you will have an accident. A very slight bump will crease the door of a car (that has been off the showroom floor for aproximtely 20 minutes
) to the tune of $250 (in 1972).
14. An entire twin-sized college comforter can be quilted in the back seat of a Chevy between New Jersey and the BYU campus.
15. A blue 2-door Comet is a SWEET wedding gift
16. If you total the family car, while your husband is out of town studying for his HUGE
post-graduate final and his only concern is for you and the kids and how he can be supportive, you will know once again
that THIS man is a KEEPER
17. After an accident that you caused while making a left-hand turn (see #16) your husband may need to teach you one of driving's great lessons. "Honey, you can't drive clockwise forever."
18. When camping in ground-squirrel infested territory. Do Not
leave granola bars in your glove case! Those little critters will climb up through your engine block and gnaw trhough the back of your glove case, leaving a royal mess behind. Rodents! EEEWWW!!
19. After the '88 Olympics in Calgary practically new rental vans could be picked up for a song!
20. When you are between houses (1st one sold, 2nd one wasn't finished being built yet) a family of 7 can live for a month in a Chevy Windstar with a pop-up camper.
21. A woman with a blanket can do a complete change of clothes in the front passenger seat without anyone seeing a thing.
22. A bad case of poison ivy and a 24 hour road trip are a really bad
23. There are many interesting and creative ways to get comfortable in the car, while still wearing a seatbelt!
24. Driving anywhere
with my Sweetheart still
feels like a Date